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The Nature Faker

by Richard Harding Davis

May, 1999 [Etext #1763]

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Etext scanned by Aaron Cannon of Paradise, California

The Nature Faker

by Richard Harding Davis

Richard Herrick was a young man with a gentle disposition, much

money, and no sense of humor. His object in life was to marry Miss

Catherweight. For three years she had tried to persuade him this

could not be, and finally, in order to convince him, married some

one else. When the woman he loves marries another man, the rejected

one is popularly supposed to take to drink or to foreign travel.

Statistics show that, instead, he instantly falls in love with the

best friend of the girl who refused him. But, as Herrick truly

loved Miss Catherweight, he could not worship any other woman, and

so he became a lover of nature. Nature, he assured his men friends,

does not disappoint you. The more thought, care, affection you give

to nature, the more she gives you in return, and while, so he

admitted, in wooing nature there are no great moments, there are no

heart-aches. Jackson, one of the men friends, and of a frivolous

disposition, said that he also could admire a landscape, but he

would rather look at the beautiful eyes of a girl he knew than at

the Lakes of Killarney, with a full moon, a setting sun, and the

aurora borealis for a background. Herrick suggested that, while the

beautiful eyes might seek those of another man, the Lakes of

Killarney would always remain where you could find them. Herrick

pursued his new love in Connecticut on an abandoned farm which he

converted into a "model" one. On it he established model dairies

and model incubators. He laid out old-fashioned gardens, sunken

gardens, Italian gardens, landscape gardens, and a game preserve.

The game preserve was his own especial care and pleasure. It

consisted of two hundred acres of dense forest and hills and

ridges

of rock. It was filled with mysterious caves, deep chasms, tiny

gurgling streams, nestling springs, and wild laurel. It was

barricaded with fallen tree-trunks and moss- covered rocks that

had

never felt the foot of man since that foot had worn a moccasin.

Around the preserve was a high fence stout enough to keep

poachers

on the outside and to persuade the wild animals that inhabited it

to linger on the inside. These wild animals were squirrels,

rabbits, and raccoons. Every day, in sunshine or in rain,

entering

through a private gate, Herrick would explore this holy of

holies.

For such vermin as would destroy the gentler animals he carried a

gun. But it was turned only on those that preyed upon his

favorites. For hours he would climb through this wilderness, or,

seated on a rock, watch a bluebird building her nest or a

squirrel

laying in rations against the coming of the snow. In time he grew

to think he knew and understood the inhabitants of this wild

place

of which he was the overlord. He looked upon them not as his

tenants but as his guests. And when they fled from him in terror

to

caves and hollow tree-trunks, he wished he might call them back

and

explain he was their friend, that it was due to him they lived in

peace. He was glad they were happy. He was glad it was through

him

that, undisturbed, they could live the simple life.

His fall came through ambition. Herrick himself attributed it to

his too great devotion to nature and nature's children. Jackson,

he

of the frivolous mind, attributed it to the fact that any man is

sure to come to grief who turns from the worship of God's noblest

handiwork, by which Jackson meant woman, to worship chipmunks and

Plymouth Rock hens. One night Jackson lured Herrick into New York

to a dinner and a music hall. He invited also one Kelly, a mutual

friend of a cynical and combative disposition. Jackson liked to

hear him and Herrick abuse each other, and always introduced

subjects he knew would cause each to lose his temper.

But, on this night, Herrick needed no goading. He was in an

ungrateful mood. Accustomed to food fresh from the soil and the

farmyard, he sneered at hothouse asparagus, hothouse grapes, and

cold-storage quail. At the music hall he was even more difficult.

In front of him sat a stout lady who when she shook with laughter

shed patchouli and a man who smoked American cigarettes. At these

and the steam heat, the nostrils of Herrick, trained to the odor

of

balsam and the smoke of open wood fires, took offense. He refused

to be amused. The monologue artist, in whom Jackson found

delight,

caused Herrick only to groan; the knockabout comedians he hoped

would break their collar-bones; the lady who danced Salome, and

who

fascinated Kelly, Herrick prayed would catch pneumonia and die of

it. And when the drop rose upon the Countess Zichy's bears, his

dissatisfaction reached a climax.

There were three bears--a large papa bear, a mamma bear, and the

baby bear. On the programme they were described as Bruno, Clara,

and Ikey. They were of a dusty brown, with long, curling noses

tipped with white, and fat, tan-colored bellies. When father

Bruno,

on his hind legs and bare feet, waddled down the stage, he

resembled a Hebrew gentleman in a brown bathing suit who had lost

his waist-line. As he tripped doubtfully forward, with mincing

steps, he continually and mournfully wagged his head. He seemed

to

be saying: "This water is much too cold for me." The mamma bear

was

dressed in a poke bonnet and white apron, and resembled the wolf

who frightened Little Red Riding-Hood, and Ikey, the baby bear,

wore rakishly over one eye the pointed cap of a clown. To those

who

knew their vaudeville, this was indisputable evidence that Ikey

would furnish the comic relief. Nor did Ikey disappoint them. He

was a wayward son. When his parents were laboriously engaged in a

boxing-match, or dancing to the "Merry Widow Waltz," or balancing

on step-ladders, Ikey, on all fours, would scamper to the

foot-lights and, leaning over, make a swift grab at the head of

the

first trombone. And when the Countess Zichy, apprised by the

shouts

of the audience of Ikey's misconduct, waved a toy whip, Ikey

would

gallop back to his pedestal and howl at her. To every one, except

Herrick and the first trombone, this playfulness on the part of

Ikey furnished great delight.

The performances of the bears ended with Bruno and Clara dancing

heavily to the refrain of the "Merry Widow Waltz," while Ikey

pretended to conduct the music of the orchestra. On the final

call,

Madame Zichy threw to each of the animals a beer bottle filled

with

milk; and the gusto with which the savage-looking beasts uncorked

the bottles and drank from them greatly amused the audience.

Ikey,

standing on his hind legs, his head thrown back, with both paws

clasping the base of the bottle, shoved the neck far down his

throat, and then, hurling it from him, and cocking his clown's

hat

over his eyes, gave a masterful imitation of a very intoxicated

bear.

"That," exclaimed Herrick hotly, "is a degrading spectacle. It

degrades the bear and degrades me and you."

"No, it bores me," said Kelly.

"If you understood nature," retorted Herrick, "and nature's

children, it would infuriate you."

"I don't go to a music hall to get infuriated," said Kelly.

"Trained dogs I don't mind," exclaimed Herrick. "Dogs are not

wild

animals. The things they're trained to do are of USE. They can

guard the house, or herd sheep. But a bear is a wild beast.

Always

will be a wild beast. You can't train him to be of use. It's

degrading to make him ride a bicycle. I hate it! If I'd known

there

were to be performing bears to-night, I wouldn't have come!"

"And if I'd known you were to be here to-night, I wouldn't have

come!" said Kelly. "Where do we go to next?"

They went next to a restaurant in a gayly decorated cellar. Into

this young men like themselves and beautiful ladies were so

anxious

to hurl themselves that to restrain them a rope was swung across

the entrance and page boys stood on guard. When a young man

became

too anxious to spend his money, the page boys pushed in his shirt

front. After they had fought their way to a table, Herrick

ungraciously remarked he would prefer to sup in a subway station.

The people, he pointed out, would be more human, the decorations

were much of the same Turkish-bath school of art, and the air was

no worse.

"Cheer up, Clarence!" begged Jackson, "you'll soon be dead.

To-morrow you'll be back among your tree-toads and sunsets. And,

let us hope," he sighed, "no one will try to stop you!"

"What worries me is this," explained Herrick. "I can't help

thinking that, if one night of this artificial life is so hard

upon

me, what must it be to those bears!"

Kelly exclaimed, with exasperation: "Confound the bears!" he

cried.

"If you must spoil my supper weeping over animals, weep over

cart-horses. They work. Those bears are loafers. They're as well

fed as pet canaries. They're aristocrats."

"But it's not a free life!" protested Herrick. "It's not the life

they love."

"It's a darned sight better," declared Kelly, than sleeping in a

damp wood, eating raw blackberries----"

"The more you say," retorted Herrick, "the more you show you know

nothing whatsoever of nature's children and their habits."

"And all you know of them," returned Kelly, is that a cat has

nine

lives, and a barking dog won't bite. You're a nature faker."

Herrick refused to be diverted.

"It hurt me," he said. "They were so big, and good-natured, and

helpless. I'll bet that woman beats them! I kept thinking of them

as they were in the woods, tramping over the clean pine needles,

eating nuts, and--and honey, and----"

"Buns!" suggested Jackson.

"I can't forget them," said Herrick. "It's going to haunt me,

to-morrow, when I'm back in the woods; I'll think of those poor

beasts capering in a hot theatre, when they ought to be out in

the

open as God meant they----"

"Well, then," protested Kelly, "take 'em to the open. And turn

'em

loose! And I hope they bite YOU!"

At this Herrick frowned so deeply that Kelly feared he had gone

too

far. Inwardly, he reproved himself for not remembering that his

friend lacked a sense of humor. But Herrick undeceived him.

"You are right!" he exclaimed. "To-morrow I will buy those bears,

take them to the farm, and turn them loose!"

No objections his friend could offer could divert him from his

purpose. When they urged that to spend so much money in such a

manner was criminally wasteful, he pointed out that he was

sufficiently rich to indulge any extravagant fancy, whether in

polo

ponies or bears; when they warned him that if he did not look out

the bears would catch him alone in the woods, and eat him, he

retorted that the bears were now educated to a different diet;

when

they said he should consider the peace of mind of his neighbors,

he

assured them the fence around his game preserve would restrain an

elephant.

"Besides," protested Kelly, "what you propose to do is not only

impracticable, but it's cruelty to animals. A domesticated animal

can't return to a state of nature, and live."

"Can't it?" jeered Herrick. "Did you ever read 'The Call of the

Wild'?"

"Did you ever read," retorted Kelly, "what happened at the siege

of

Ladysmith when the oats ran low and they drove the artillery

horses

out to grass? They starved, that's all. And if you don't feed

your

bears on milk out of a bottle they'll starve too."

"That's what will happen," cried Jackson; those bears have

forgotten what a pine forest smells like. Maybe it's a pity, but

it's the fact. I'll bet if you could ask them whether they'd

rather

sleep in a cave on your farm or be headliners in vaudeville,

they'd

tell you they were 'devoted to their art.'"

"Why!" exclaimed Kelly, "they're so far from nature that if they

didn't have that colored boy to comb and brush them twice a day

they'd be ashamed to look each other in the eyes."

"And another thing," continued Jackson, "trained animals love to

'show off.' They're children. Those bears ENJOY doing those

tricks.

They ENJOY the applause. They enjoy dancing to the 'Merry Widow

Waltz.' And if you lock them up in your jungle, they'll get so

homesick that they'll give a performance twice a day to the

squirrels and woodpeckers."

"It's just as hard to unlearn a thing as to learn it," said Kelly

sententiously. "You can't make a man who has learned to wear

shoes

enjoy going around in his bare feet."

"Rot!" cried Herrick. "Look at me. Didn't I love New York? I

loved

it so I never went to bed for fear I'd miss something. But when I

went 'Back to the Land,' did it take me long to fall in love with

the forests and the green fields? It took me a week. I go to bed

now the same day I get up, and I've passed on my high hat and

frock

coat to a scarecrow. And I'll bet you when those bears once scent

the wild woods they'll stampede for them like Croker going to a

third alarm."

"And I repeat," cried Kelly, "you are a nature faker. And I'll

leave it to the bears to prove it."

"We have done our best," sighed Jackson. "We have tried to save

him

money and trouble. And now all he can do for us in return is to

give us seats for the opening performance."

What the bears cost Herrick he never told. But it was a very

large

sum. As the Countess Zichy pointed out, bears as bears, in a

state

of nature, are cheap. If it were just a bear he wanted, he

himself

could go to Pike County, Pennsylvania, and trap one. What he was

paying for, she explained, was the time she had spent in

educating

the Bruno family, and added to that the time during which she

must

now remain idle while she educated another family.

Herrick knew for what he was paying. It was the pleasure of

rescuing unwilling slaves from bondage. As to their expensive

education, if they returned to a state of ignorance as rapidly as

did most college graduates he knew, he would be satisfied. Two

days

later, when her engagement at the music hall closed, Madame Zichy

reluctantly turned over her pets to their new manager. With Ikey

she was especially loath to part.

"I'll never get one like him," she walled Ikey is the funniest

four-legged clown in America. He's a natural-born comedian. Folks

think I learn him those tricks, but it's all his own stuff. Only

last week we was playing Paoli's in Bridgeport, and when I was

putting Bruno through the hoops, Ikey runs to the stage-box and

grabs a pound of caramels out of a girl's lap-and swallows the

box.

And in St. Paul, if the trombone hadn't worn a wig, Ikey would

have

scalped him. Say, it was a scream! When the audience see the

trombone snatched bald-headed, and him trying to get back his

wig,

and Ikey chewing it, they went crazy. You can't learn a bear

tricks

like that. It's just genius. Some folks think I taught him to act

like he was intoxicated, but he picked that up, too, all by

himself, through watching my husband. And Ikey's very fond of

beer

on his own account. If I don't stop them, the stage hands would

be

always slipping him drinks. I hope you won't give him none."

"I will not!" said Herrick.

The bears, Ikey in one cage and Bruno and Clara in another,

travelled by express to the station nearest the Herrick estate.

There they were transferred to a farm wagon, and grumbling and

growling, and with Ikey howling like an unspanked child, they

were

conveyed to the game preserve. At the only gate that entered it,

Kelly and Jackson and a specially invited house party of youths

and

maidens were gathered to receive them. At a greater distance

stood

all of the servants and farm hands, and as the wagon backed

against

the gate, with the door of Ikey's cage opening against it, the

entire audience, with one accord, moved solidly to the rear.

Herrick, with a pleased but somewhat nervous smile, mounted the

wagon. But before he could unlock the cage Kelly demanded to be

heard. He insisted that, following the custom of all great

artists,

the bears should give a farewell performance."

He begged that Bruno and Clara might be permitted to dance

together. He pointed out that this would be the last time they

could listen to the strains of the "Merry Widow Waltz." He called

upon everybody present to whistle it.

The suggestion of an open-air performance was received coldly. At

the moment no one seemed able to pucker his lips into a whistle,

and some even explained that with that famous waltz they were

unfamiliar.

One girl attained an instant popularity by pointing out that the

bears could waltz just as well on one side of the fence as the

other. Kelly, cheated of his free performance, then begged that

before Herrick condemned the bears to starve on acorns, he should

give them a farewell drink, and Herrick, who was slightly

rattled,

replied excitedly that he had not ransomed the animals only to

degrade them. The argument was interrupted by the French chef

falling out of a tree. He had climbed it, he explained, in order

to

obtain a better view.

When, in turn, it was explained to him that a bear also could

climb

a tree, he remembered he had left his oven door open. His

departure

reminded other servants of duties they had neglected, and one of

the guests, also, on remembering he had put in a long-distance

call, hastened to the house. Jackson suggested that perhaps they

had better all return with him, as the presence of so many people

might frighten the bears. At the moment he spoke, Ikey emitted a

hideous howl, whether of joy or rage no one knew, and few

remained

to find out. It was not until Herrick had investigated and

reported

that Ikey was still behind the bars that the house party

cautiously

returned. The house party then filed a vigorous protest. Its

members, with Jackson as spokesman, complained that Herrick was

relying entirely too much on his supposition that the bears would

be anxious to enter the forest. Jackson pointed out that, should

they not care to do so, there was nothing to prevent them from

doubling back under the wagon; in which case the house party and

all of the United States lay before them. It was not until a

lawn-tennis net and much chicken wire was stretched in intricate

thicknesses across the lower half of the gate that Herrick was

allowed to proceed. Unassisted, he slid back the cage door, and

without a moment's hesitation Ikey leaped from the wagon through

the gate and into the preserve. For an instant, dazed by the

sudden

sunlight, he remained motionless, and then, after sniffing

delightedly at the air, stuck his nose deep into the autumn

leaves.

Turning on his back, he luxuriously and joyfully kicked his legs,

and rolled from side to side.

Herrick gave a shout of joy and triumph. "What did I tell you!"

he

called. "See how he loves it! See how happy he is."

"Not at all," protested Kelly. "He thought you gave him the sign

to

'roll over.' Tell him to 'play dead,' and he'll do that." " Tell

ALL the bears to 'play dead,'" begged Jackson, "until I'm back in

the billiard-room."

Flushed with happiness, Herrick tossed Ikey's cage out of the

wagon, and opened the door of the one that held Bruno and Clara.

On

their part, there was a moment of doubt. As though suspecting a

trap, they moved to the edge of the cage, and gazed critically at

the screen of trees and tangled vines that rose before them.

"They think it's a new backdrop," explained Kelly.

But the delight with which Ikey was enjoying his bath in the

autumn

leaves was not lost upon his parents. Slowly and clumsily they

dropped to the ground. As though they expected to be recalled,

each

turned to look at the group of people who had now run to peer

through the wire meshes of the fence. But, as no one spoke and no

one signalled, the three bears, in single file, started toward

the

edge of the forest. They had of cleared space to cover only a

little distance, and at each step, as though fearful they would

be

stopped and punished, one or the other turned his head. But no

one

halted them. With quickening footsteps the bears, now almost at a

gallop, plunged forward. The next instant they were lost to

sight,

and only the crackling of the underbrush told that they had come

into their own.

Herrick dropped to the ground and locked himself inside the

preserve.

"I'm going after them," he called, "to see what they'll do."

There was a frantic chorus of entreaties.

"Don't be an ass!" begged Jackson. "They'll eat you." Herrick

waved

his hand reassuringly.

"They won't even see me," he explained. "I can find my way about

this place better than they can. And I'll keep to windward of

them,

and watch them. Go to the house," he commanded. "I'll be with you

in an hour, and report."

It was with real relief that, on assembling for dinner, the house

party found Herrick, in high spirits, with the usual number of

limbs, and awaiting them. The experiment had proved a great

success. He told how, unheeded by the bears, he had, without

difficulty, followed in their tracks. For an hour he had watched

them. No happy school-children, let loose at recess, could have

embraced their freedom with more obvious delight. They drank from

the running streams, for honey they explored the hollow

tree-trunks, they sharpened their claws on moss-grown rocks, and

among the fallen oak leaves scratched violently for acorns. So

satisfied was Herrick with what he had seen, with the success of

his experiment, and so genuine and unselfish was he in the

thought

of the happiness he had brought to the beasts of the forests,

that

for him no dinner ever passed more pleasantly. Miss Waring, who

sat

next to her host, thought she had seldom met a man with so kind

and

simple a nature. She rather resented the fact, and she was

inwardly

indignant that so much right feeling and affection could be

wasted

on farmyard fowls, and four-footed animals. She felt sure that

some

nice girl, seated at the other end of the table, smiling through

the light of the wax candles upon Herrick, would soon make him

forget his love of "Nature and Nature's children." She even saw

herself there, and this may have made her exhibit more interest

in

Herrick's experiment than she really felt. In any event, Herrick

found her most sympathetic' and when dinner was over carried her

off to a corner of the terrace. It was a warm night in early

October, and the great woods of the game preserve that stretched

below them were lit with a full moon.

On his way to the lake for a moonlight row with one of the house

party who belonged to that sex that does not row, but looks well

in

the moon-light, Kelly halted, and jeered mockingly.

"How can you sit there," he demanded, "while those poor beasts

are

freezing in a cave, with not even a silk coverlet or a

pillow-sham.

You and your valet ought to be down there now carrying them

pajamas."

"Kelly," declared Herrick, unruffled in his moment of triumph, "I

hate to say, 'I told you so,' but you force me. Go away," he

commanded. "You have neither imagination nor soul."

"And that's true," he assured Miss Waring, as Kelly and his

companion left them. "Now, I see nothing in what I accomplished

that is ridiculous. Had you watched those bears as I did, you

would

have felt that sympathy that exists between all who love the

out-of-door life. A dog loves to see his master pick up his stick

and his hat to take him for a walk, and the man enjoys seeing the

dog leaping and quartering the fields before him. They are both

the

happier. At least I am happier to-night, knowing those bears are

at

peace and at home, than I would be if I thought of them being

whipped through their tricks in a dirty theatre." Herrick pointed

to the great forest trees of the preserve, their tops showing

dimly

in the mist of moonlight. "Somewhere, down in that valley, he

murmured, "are three happy animals. They are no longer slaves and

puppets--they are their own masters. For the rest of their lives

they can sleep on pine needles and dine on nuts and honey. No one

shall molest them, no one shall force them through degrading

tricks. Hereafter they can choose their life, and their own home

among the rocks, and the ----" Herrick's words were frozen on his

tongue. From the other end of the terrace came a scream so

fierce,

so long, so full of human suffering, that at the sound the blood

of

all that heard it turned to water. It was so appalling that for

an

instant no one moved, and then from every part of the house,

along

the garden walks, from the servants' quarters, came the sound of

pounding feet. Herrick, with Miss Waring clutching at his sleeve,

raced toward the other end of the terrace. They had not far to

go.

Directly in front of them they saw what had dragged from the very

soul of the woman the scream of terror.

The drawing-room opened upon the terrace, and, seated at the

piano,

Jackson had been playing for those in the room to dance. The

windows to the terrace were open. The terrace itself was flooded

with moonlight. Seeking the fresh air, one of the dancers stepped

from the drawing-room to the flags outside. She had then raised

the

cry of terror and fallen in a faint. What she had seen, Herrick a

moment later also saw. On the terrace in the moon-light, Bruno

and

Clara, on their hind legs, were solemnly waltzing. Neither the

scream nor the cessation of the music disturbed them.

Contentedly,

proudly, they continued to revolve in hops and leaps. From their

happy expression, it was evident they not only were enjoying

themselves, but that they felt they were greatly affording

immeasurable delight to others. Sick at heart, furious, bitterly

hurt, with roars of mocking laughter in his ears, Herrick ran

toward the stables for help. At the farther end of the terrace

the

butler had placed a tray of liqueurs, whiskeys, and soda bottles.

His back had been turned for only a few moments, but the time had

sufficed.

Lolling with his legs out, stretched in a wicker chair, Herrick

beheld the form of Ikey. Between his uplifted paws he held aloof

the base of a decanter; between his teeth, and well jammed down

his

throat, was the long neck of the bottle. From it issued the sound

of gentle gurgling. Herrick seized the decanter and hurled it

crashing upon the terrace. With difficulty Ikey rose. Swaying and

shaking his head reproachfully, he gave Herrick a perfectly

accurate imitation of an intoxicated bear.

End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Nature Faker, by R. H. Davis